Well into his second week of life, Dylan already has both the lung capacity, and vocal range of a well-trained opera virtuoso. Just this morning in fact, he entertained us wit his interpretation of Mozart's, Marriage of Fiagaro. Quite impressive! I mentioned to the bride at about 3:41am that his version sounded remarkably like the great Luciano Pavoratti's rendition. (if of course Pavoratti was crawling through a wood chipper and gargling broken glass while singing)
Other times our darling son is not so musical, sometimes his wails are an homage to every horror movie he has never seen. It sounds kind of like Tom Waits playing Jamie Lee Curtis' scream queen part in Halloween. Frightening to be sure.
In any case, sleeping around here has become more of a nostalgic curiousity- sort of like those old-fashion glass curvy coke bottles- sure, you can occasionally find one- but it is rare.
Not to be undone, our little angel Rileigh has decided to get in on the nighttime entertainment. For 2 of the last 3 nights she has woken up and out of desperation, we put her in bed with us to try to get her to fall back to sleep. It worked....almost. Her and her brother have some sort of shift-work rotation worked out where one will nap while the other cries and then they switch several times per night. It's really cute, especially at 4am!
So this morning, after a particularly trying night of scant little sleep for everyone in the house, I woke up and found everyone still asleep after 10am! I thought I would enjoy the quiet solitude during my day off and have a peaceful bowl of cereal for breakfast. I no sooner had my MultiGrain Cheerios out of the cabinet when I heard my little cherub beckoning from her bedroom, "Mo...meeee...............Mo..........meeee" Being the supportive father that I am and all, I decided that I would not let her wake up anyone else in the house and rushed in to get her. What transpired next will haunt me for years to come!
As I opened the door to Rileigh's room I saw that she was sitting up in her crib naked as the day she was born. This by itself is not entirely shocking because she has lately been fascinated by zippers and buttons and is often trying to dress and undress herself. But as I took my first step into her room my senses were assaulted! The smell of ...of...well, DEATH kicked me square in the nose. In slow motion, I could see my beautiful little girl sitting up smiling, her little curls bouncing as she said something to me. It took a few seconds for my ears to register what she was saying, but my lip-reading skills immediately started to sound alarms in my brain. Her mouth was making the words, "I............... POOOOO................... PEEEE..............." and as my eyes darted around the crib I discovered, to my horror, that my little angel was telling the truth!
What follows is what happened in my head for the next several seconds:
In the name of all that is holy........Oh My ... is that GREEN! ...Well I guess I know why she was up all night...oh the smell.....are my eyes watering?.....there is no way I am touching any of this.....Where can we buy a new crib, mattress, sheets, and little girl today?.....I think I just vomited in my mouth a little....When did we have corn?....NO NO NO don't TOUCH IT SWEETIE!!!!!!!!!! Am I too old to learn Spanish and move to Mexico before Kathy wakes up?... Is it in her HAIR?!?!?! OH my GAWD!!...It IS in her HAIR!...HEEELLLLLLPPPPP!
After a few seconds of terror, my Dad instincts took over and I picked up my beautiful poop-covered daughter and made for the Haz Mat Decon center of our bathtub. On the way I whimpered for my wife and let her know what had happened and let her know about the Toxic Waste Site that Rileigh's bedroom had now become. I scrubbed the child while she tackled the bedroom- I got the better of tht deal for sure!
After what seemed like a half-hour of scrubbing-rescrubbing and rinsing, Rileigh was once again clean and shiny, as beautiful as ever and happily chanting "I pooped I pooped I pooped" while smiling that heart-melting smile. Gotta love her. And where was our little screaming creature-boy during all of this? Soundly sleeping of course!
KIDS: Because you can no longer afford drugs to make you stay up all night and have you smell like shit the next morning.
No longer an intern (The Salt Lake Tribune, 7/6/13)
10 years ago
9 Comments:
oh my god. that is so funny. sucks for you. but i can clearly picture it in my head without much difficulty.
Oh she's going to have fun reading that blog post one day!
That's pretty funny, but what amazes me it that Rileigh is child #4 and that's the first time you encounted SHITVILLE.
The 15min bag ...... have it packed and ready my GN ....... and for God's sake ..... read the fraking chapter on birth control !!!!!!!
haha I love her
Hahahaha... I just laughed out loud. A lot!
Was good to see you today, and yes... now I truly understand the ridiculousness that is the ob/gyn shelf. What was so hard about it? You were so right -- I don't know, either! Hope I passed!
Enjoy the rest of the weekend, and hopefully there won't be any more accidents! :)
Sounds like our little princess has now passed her nightly performances onto Dylan....and I DAMN glad! Now that shes sleeping most of the night, I can finally sleep at home and not give Nicole the exuse that I'm OnCall just so I can get some sleep at the hospital. I know I'm an ass..so does Nicole.
OMG. I had the same experience many years ago with Marcella. She was so happy with herself. Isn't it fun trying to clean all the slots on the crib. That was one of the most disgusting things ever.
Hey aunt Bern, glad you stopped by! It was truly disturbing! I definitely earned another "Daddy stripe" that day!
Be sure to bookmark the page to keep up to date on all our little exploits poop-filled and otherwise.
Love Ya!
-V
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