Puritanical Terror!

Due to a recent windfall, courtesy of the generous blackjack gods, I decided to splurge and buy the Cadillac of baby swings.This thing is loaded: multi-speed, whisper-quiet operation, a automatic timer, built-in music with 15 songs! I want one for me!

Rileigh enjoys her swing, much like her siblings did, and there was joy in McDonoughville. However while enjoying the built in music I noticed something that I never noticed before.

One of the songs it plays to "soothe" babies is Rock a bye baby. I'm sure you are all familiar with this little ditty, but have you ever really listened to the lyrics. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot!

Let's review:

Rock-a-bye, baby [you'll notice it's not rap-a-bye or hip-hop-a-bye, but maybe that' just me]
In the treetop [the creationists won't be happy here- what the hell are humans doing in treetops?!]
When the wind blows [obviously a nod to the global warming effects on our planet]
The cradle will rock [so far so good]
When the bough breaks [uh-oh perhaps the evil logging companies and their deforestation are at work here]
The cradle will fall [Thank Newton, I wouldn't have it any other way]
And down will come baby [Sweet mother of Trauma!]
Cradle and all. [by the way, the cradle and baby will accelerate toward the earth at the exact same velocity-barring wind resistance of course]

Now, what the hell kind of baby song is this? I mean you got babies in cradles, unattended, falling out of trees. Trees, really? Who puts a kid in a tree? What sick demented bastard wrote this Charles Manson? Hitler? Dick Cheney? Well, I did a little research.

It seems Puritans are the responsible for this sick and twisted nursery rhyme. Yeah, those puritans. The same spartan living, Mayflower sailing, Indian killing,goth dressing, quaker oats cooking puritans.
According to my research the puritans used to hang their cradles from tree branches so that the wind would rock them to sleep and give the puritan moms time to ....to... continue to be sexually repressed, read their bible, churn butter, accuse each other of witchcraft, or whatever the hell else puritan women did. Apparently it was not uncommon back then to see trees festooned with multiple suspended cradles (during 18th century Tupperware parties I guess). Scary scary stuff.

So the next time you read or sing a nursery rhyme to your kids, pay attention to the words. Let's stop the cycle of acrophobia inducing, arbor vilifying, cautionary tales of parental neglect that only terrorize our children!