He'll Roundhouse Kick his Candles out!

70 years ago today, the world's baddest badass was born.

Chuck Norris.

Photo Credit

If you haven't been living under a rock, I am sure you have come across the internet phenomenon known as Chuck Norris Facts. I have listed a few below:

• Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris Kills people.
• Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are known today as giraffes.
• Chuck Norris destroyed the Periodic Table of Elements because he only recognizes the element of Surprise. 
• Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information that he wants.
• Chuck Norris has 2 speeds: Walk and Kill.

and possibly my favorite:

• There is no such thing as Evolution; just a list of creatures that Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

For more fun filled facts check out this site.

And When I Get That Feeling....

This week in GI, I am doing consults. It is a nice change of pace from the non-stop onslaught of colonoscopies and esophagogastroduodenoscopies. Basically, whenever one of the managing medical teams decides that their patient has a problem that may benefit from the GI service they request a consult. It is the medical world's equivalent to "Hey take a look at this and tell me what you think". There is a fair amount of consults that come into the GI service everyday so they are only too happy to let the medical students "help them out". Anyway, during a lull in the consult action I was asked to head back to the endoscopy suite to lend a hand. I was soon joined by another medical student and after taking some H&Ps we were observing a fairly routine colonoscopy.

The endoscopy suite resembles a small operating room. There is a large video monitor on the wall, a stretcher in the middle of the room, the endoscopy machine is stacked neatly on the counter, and a full array of tools, wires, hoses, and scopes are hanging neatly on the wall. The thing that makes the endoscopy room a bit different is once the procedure begins the lights are all turned down really low. I made a joke my first day there that at least they provided a little mood lighting before impaling you with large medical instruments.

Having music playing in the operating room is a fairly common thing. Many surgeons have their "pet music" that they need playing in the background while they snip and hack through tissue practice their healing arts. The endo suite is no different. Most of the doctors there are content to leave the radio on; tuned to some "office-appropriate" adult contemporary station.

The low lights, the music playing in the background, and my somewhat twisted sense of humor came together in a perfect storm today that almost had me laughing out loud.

In the middle of a procedure that involves passing anywhere between 4 and 6 feet of unfriendly colonoscope into your "Holyiest of Holyies", I happen to catch the song that was playing on the radio. I tried to stifle a giggle as I looked over at the other student and told her to listen. As luck would have it, Marvin Gaye was crooning on about his need for Sexual Healing.

And then came this lyric:

"You're my medicine. Open up and let me in.
Darling you're so great, I can't wait for you to operate.
I can't wait for you to operate. Baby, I can't wait for you to operate."


I guess you had to be there.....

Calgon Take Me AWAY!

Well into his second week of life, Dylan already has both the lung capacity, and vocal range of a well-trained opera virtuoso. Just this morning in fact, he entertained us wit his interpretation of Mozart's, Marriage of Fiagaro. Quite impressive! I mentioned to the bride at about 3:41am that his version sounded remarkably like the great Luciano Pavoratti's rendition. (if of course Pavoratti was crawling through a wood chipper and gargling broken glass while singing)

Other times our darling son is not so musical, sometimes his wails are an homage to every horror movie he has never seen. It sounds kind of like Tom Waits playing Jamie Lee Curtis' scream queen part in Halloween. Frightening to be sure.

In any case, sleeping around here has become more of a nostalgic curiousity- sort of like those old-fashion glass curvy coke bottles- sure, you can occasionally find one- but it is rare.

Not to be undone, our little angel Rileigh has decided to get in on the nighttime entertainment. For 2 of the last 3 nights she has woken up and out of desperation, we put her in bed with us to try to get her to fall back to sleep. It worked....almost. Her and her brother have some sort of shift-work rotation worked out where one will nap while the other cries and then they switch several times per night. It's really cute, especially at 4am!

So this morning, after a particularly trying night of scant little sleep for everyone in the house, I woke up and found everyone still asleep after 10am! I thought I would enjoy the quiet solitude during my day off and have a peaceful bowl of cereal for breakfast. I no sooner had my MultiGrain Cheerios out of the cabinet when I heard my little cherub beckoning from her bedroom, "Mo...meeee...............Mo..........meeee" Being the supportive father that I am and all, I decided that I would not let her wake up anyone else in the house and rushed in to get her. What transpired next will haunt me for years to come!

As I opened the door to Rileigh's room I saw that she was sitting up in her crib naked as the day she was born. This by itself is not entirely shocking because she has lately been fascinated by zippers and buttons and is often trying to dress and undress herself. But as I took my first step into her room my senses were assaulted! The smell of ...of...well, DEATH kicked me square in the nose. In slow motion, I could see my beautiful little girl sitting up smiling, her little curls bouncing as she said something to me. It took a few seconds for my ears to register what she was saying, but my lip-reading skills immediately started to sound alarms in my brain. Her mouth was making the words, "I............... POOOOO................... PEEEE..............." and as my eyes darted around the crib I discovered, to my horror, that my little angel was telling the truth!

What follows is what happened in my head for the next several seconds:

In the name of all that is holy........Oh My ... is that GREEN! ...Well I guess I know why she was up all night...oh the smell.....are my eyes watering?.....there is no way I am touching any of this.....Where can we buy a new crib, mattress, sheets, and little girl today?.....I think I just vomited in my mouth a little....When did we have corn?....NO NO NO don't TOUCH IT SWEETIE!!!!!!!!!! Am I too old to learn Spanish and move to Mexico before Kathy wakes up?... Is it in her HAIR?!?!?! OH my GAWD!!...It IS in her HAIR!...HEEELLLLLLPPPPP!

After a few seconds of terror, my Dad instincts took over and I picked up my beautiful poop-covered daughter and made for the Haz Mat Decon center of our bathtub. On the way I whimpered for my wife and let her know what had happened and let her know about the Toxic Waste Site that Rileigh's bedroom had now become. I scrubbed the child while she tackled the bedroom- I got the better of tht deal for sure!
After what seemed like a half-hour of scrubbing-rescrubbing and rinsing, Rileigh was once again clean and shiny, as beautiful as ever and happily chanting "I pooped I pooped I pooped" while smiling that heart-melting smile. Gotta love her. And where was our little screaming creature-boy during all of this? Soundly sleeping of course!

KIDS: Because you can no longer afford drugs to make you stay up all night and have you smell like shit the next morning.

Female Genetics- Secrets Unlocked!

Since I don't have to report to the hospital until Wednesday afternoon, I decided to steal away and head home to spend some time with the family. An excited Rileigh and I were playing with one of her favorite toys, a series of plastic semi-circular blocks that interlock to form balls or stack to form a pyramid. Rileigh, and the balls in question are pictured below:


I was rolling one of the ad-hoc balls back and forth with her, when she suddenly grabbed the ball and pulled the blocks apart. I exclaimed, in my most unmanly of Dad voices, "uh-oh! you broke the ball". My mind, being my mind and all, I immediately cast a sideways glance at my wife who was sitting on the couch and said, "I know where she gets that gene!"

Surprisingly she giggled almost as hard as I did.

I Love Psychiatry

Need a Laugh Today?

I did. This one tips the giggleometer at around an 8.5. Enjoy.



Oh, for life to be that simple again.

"Ethan" is the codename for a very young Oliver North. His penchant for paper ripping clearly had already had blossomed at the time of this filming.

Avast Me Hearties

Arrggh ye filthy landlubbers!

Tis National Talk Like a Pirate Day . So rattle ye sabers and shiver up the old timbers and pour ye self a mug o rum.

And by all means grab ye some booty!

Cleaning out my IN box and found this

This is certainly one of my top 3 favorite joke emails of all time. I first got it about 5 years ago and haven't seen it for several years. It is old but still damn funny.I defy you to read this while trying to drink something.
______________________________________________________________
The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 (Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili)
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chili)
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili)
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer!

Chili # 4 (Bubba's Black Magic)
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?
Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills.
That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover)
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety)
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge #3-- I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili)
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 (Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili)
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella.

Dear Double Luck Food Company......

My inner child is a 6th grader that still giggles at stuff like this. I snapped this in the frozen food section of our supermarket yesterday. Perhaps someone should call the DOUBLE LUCK(not if you're porcine) food company's marketing deperartment about considering a name change..just a thought.

I GOTTA CUT ROOSE ...FOOTROOSE!

This just in from the weird news department...In an effort to curb rising obesity in their school aged children, China has instituted mandatory dancing. Apparently there are 7 distinct sets of steps to be performed by schoolchildren between classes and after school. Parents on the other hand are up in arms (I guess up in feet is more appropriate) over this. They cite they are worried about "increases in cases of 'puppy-love' between children; from dancing with the opposite sex. In a country of 1.3 BILLION I suppose getting randy could cause a problem. The other problem parents state is that there are no alternatives to children who may not particularly like to boogie down. One parent states, (and I swear I couldn't make this up) "Activities like cock-fighting and sandbag-tossing could be suitable...". WOW.... Sandbag-tossing?...... Really?..... If this is their idea of a good time no wonder there are are so many people climbing into bed with each other. For the whole story click HERE.

Man of 101 Voices

I came across this on another blog, so I went to You Tube and got it. This guy is pretty good.

(viewing tip: If your Internet connection is slow, after hitting play and it starts, hit pause and let the buffer fill up a bit then hit play-so you can watch it uninterrupted)

The National Foundation for What

My lovely wife Kathy is 8 months pregnant and is due in early June. Many of you already know my wife is suffering from a temporary, albeit horrible condition known as Placenta Brain. This is a tragic, and I am told not so uncommon condition, that renders her short term memory ...frankly ..nonexistent. Personality changes are also seen by many in this tragic disease.

We have conversations that only minutes later she doesn't remember (she staunchly defends this point of view). While straightening up around our apartment she puts things away that now I have filed as having the same fate as Jimmy Hoffa, Amelia Earhart, and the Dodo bird. Another wonderful trait she has developed during her pregnancy is a bellicose nature that Genghis Khan would envy! Whenever I say things like, "Good morning honey" or "Where is my [insert object here]" if you are very quiet you can just make out Michal Buffer's voice in the background saying :"Let's get ready to rummmmmble".

Needless to say, I anxiously await the birth of our child. I miss my normally intelligent and affable wife. In the meantime, I am actively seeking a celebrity spokesperson to head up my new charity: F.A.M.W.B.M.I.A.A.D.P

Fathers Against Mothers Who Become Mentally Impaired And Abusive During Pregnancy

Perhaps I'll work on the name a bit.