Geroge Carlin (1937-2008)

Comic genius, professional malcontent, critic of culture, and language artisan- George Carlin died yesterday at the age of 71.

George Carlin was, hands-down, my favorite comedian. I remember at the very young age of 8 having bought Class Clown, one of Carlin's early comedy albums. I would listen to it incessantly in my room. Having deaf parents was a plus here, because this album contained the infamous Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television bit which thrust the issue of censorship all the way to the Supreme Court. Those of you familiar with his comedy already understand the joy of language he brought to his performances. If you aren't familiar with his material (you Phillistine!) you should definitely give it a chance. It just may make you want to burn your Carrottop DVD collection!



Ironically, here is George waxing poetic on death:



He'll be missed.

Underwear May be Threat to Occular Health!

Just when you thought you have seen it all- A woman is suing Victoria's Secret claiming injuries caused by....her thong!

Read the full story here.

Ms. Macrida Patterson, a 52 year old California woman, is suing Victoria's Secret for an undisclosed amount- claiming that she suffered damage to her cornea when a metal clip that is used to hold a rhinestone heart onto the thong popped off and hit her in the eye.

Where to start....where to start?

I only have 2 questions:

1. A 52 year old wearing a thong?... Really? (even so , one with a rhinestone heart?)

2. How in the world does she put her thong on that her eye is anywhere near....according to the article she is a traffic officer not a contortionist stripper, so I'm a little confused!

If she is successful and receives a large cash settlement I am going to consider suing the makers of Spandex for some injuries to my own eyes that some of its indiscriminate wearers have caused. The line forms behind me!

Reason # 347 Why I Know I'm Getting Old

Up until a year ago, Kaitlyn was my youngest baby. Today, she graduates form the 8th grade and will become an "Oh my god dad, you are so not cool" High School Girl, just like her big sister, Meagan. Joy of Joys ;)


Congratulations baby, we are all very proud of you! 8 down, 8 more to go (Before Graduate School, Wink!)

Female Genetics- Secrets Unlocked!

Since I don't have to report to the hospital until Wednesday afternoon, I decided to steal away and head home to spend some time with the family. An excited Rileigh and I were playing with one of her favorite toys, a series of plastic semi-circular blocks that interlock to form balls or stack to form a pyramid. Rileigh, and the balls in question are pictured below:


I was rolling one of the ad-hoc balls back and forth with her, when she suddenly grabbed the ball and pulled the blocks apart. I exclaimed, in my most unmanly of Dad voices, "uh-oh! you broke the ball". My mind, being my mind and all, I immediately cast a sideways glance at my wife who was sitting on the couch and said, "I know where she gets that gene!"

Surprisingly she giggled almost as hard as I did.

Abbas Dies

To everyone out there who has changed countless diapers, bandaged skinned knees, and knows the all the words to more nursery rhymes and kids' songs than he is comfortable admitting:

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

My own brood will be joining me here in Brooklyn for the day- I can't wait.

Biting the Hand that Feeds Me***

Well fuck me with a fireplug, Frances!

I would like to immediately revise my heretofore atheistic world view and run, tail firmly lodged betwixt my cowering legs, to the sweet sanctuary of His Eternal Forgiveness. Even an old Paramedic can be wrong.

You see, I am certain the world is .....just...................about..................................done!

I have just read an advertisement for Slentrol.

In this day and age (when I was young we only had 3 channels and we LIKED it myeaa) it isn't exceptionally newsworthy that we be inundated with advertisements for many a wonder drug. Restless legs? Not a problem, we got a pill. Fibromyalgia? Not a problem, we got a pill. Can't get it up? Not a problem, we got a pill. Got PMS? Not a problem, we got a pill. Name a problem and the answer is inevitably the same, Not a problem, we got a pill.

But kind readers, this, this is a sign of the impending just desserts for our wickedness. Of this, I am certain!

Slentrol isn't a little pill designed to cure any particular problem you or I may actually have. In fact it is not for any member of Homo sapiens at all! (even if he has great insurance!)

Slentrol is formulated for the canine among us who are portly, husky, pleasantly-plump, undertall, ovewweight, big-boned, or despite how many crash diets, ab machines, or $9.95 videos he watches, [Fido] just can seem to loose those vertical love handles. Yes, Virginia, Slentrol is a DOGGONE DOGGIE DIET PILL.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Color me confused, but last I checked, Canis lupus familiaris hasn't evolved opposable thumbs, the ability to order in Chinese, or the cerebellar function to wrangle, even the smallest of sub-compacts, through the McDonalds drive-thru lane! Should Spot be a tad on the voluminous side, one would be best served to point the accusing finger paw at the hmm......I don't know....OWNER!

Can I get a WHISKEY TANGO FOXY FOXY FOXTROT up in here??

I couldn't even make this shit up check out the link for yourselves! ( I'll be brushing up on my Omnipotent Sky Daddy ass-kissing)

*** With all due respect, Big Pharma ;-)

EDIT: My FAVORITE PART OF THE AD: "Sentrol must never be used in cats"...I suppose those body-image absorbed felines are already prone to bulimia, with their constant purging and all ;-)

2 Quickies

After attending the weekly conference yesterday and then working the overnight shift, I am a bit tired this morning and this will be a quick post.

2 stories caught my eye from the Oddly Enough file over at Reuters.

1. A jury of my peers indeed! A protracted drug charges trial that cost the fine taxpayers of Australia nearly a cool million dollars had to be stopped and a new jury will have to be seated and the trial started all over. Why? A number of the jurors were discovered fervently doing Sudoku puzzles whilst evidence was being presented. That "exhibit A, exhibit B, whole truth, nothing but the truth thing" is sooooooo boring! Way to go guys!

2. I have a confession to make! It seems a coupe in Rome decided that after a night spent drinking that they were in the mood for a little amore . In an effort to spice things up they thought a change of venue would do the trick. Where in god's name did they choose to unleash their lusty passions? Yep, that's right, in a church...in the confessional.......during morning mass! They were discovered (no word on how, I'm guessing it was the "AVE AVE AVE AVE MARIA's" wink) and police charged them with violating obscenity laws et al. The couple has apparently asked forgiveness from the bishop and in a very Catholic manner, befitting only the most magnanimous of inquisitors, he has forgiven the couple and held a "reparation mass" to scour the "sacrilege" from the church. (I prefer a good disinfectant spray myself, but what do I know about churches?)

Now we all know how easy it would be for me to make a BUNCH of really bad jokes here; and I have written and deleted several. (actually, I wrote a Top 10 Reasons To Do It In A Confessional list- a la David Letterman) But I will resist the giggling 6th grader in me, and just take the high road here.

The comments section is wide open.

Be creative. Have some fun, mortal soul, schmortal soul!

Oh, But I Am Worthy !

I must admit, this is not the first time that I have had this wonderful offering from the Stone Brewing Company. I'm just a sucker for gargoyles, I guess!

I will spare you my long review; suffice it to say:

Daddy Likey!

(I assure you, this has NOTHING to do with the 7.2% Alc Vol.)

It is almost as if Dionysus herself gently pressed her immortal lips upon the bottle and kissed the hop-laden wort into an epicurean, orgasm-inducing, elixir of citrus and malt-infused goodness- with the bitterness of a civil service employee. This brew certainly has every reason to be arrogant!

(What is it about booze reviews that makes me want to sing show tunes?)

I almost considered disabling comments for this post, because ... yeah ... it's just too easy!

But, go ahead hit me with your best shot!

Walking in Circles.....For a Good Cause

Last Friday was the American Cancer Society Relay For Life event at Meagan's High School.

We are really proud of her. She did a wonderful job as Nazi Team Captain. According to many of her team members, she was quite the little control freak organizing and motivating dynamo; and her team raised just under $1,700.00 *, with Meagan getting $515.00 of those donations. The entire event raised almost $170,000.00!

A Big Thank You to all of you who donated!

Some of the Team:



The Nazi and the horribly sleep-deprived old man:



* Mein Fuerher informs me it was ACTUALLY 2300 Deutchmark Dollars!

Bo Diddley 1929-2008

One of the original founders of Rock 'n' Roll is dead today at age 79. Not only was he a pioneer in early rock but he designed his own guitars and even popularized his own signature beat! The famed Bo Diddley beat is featured in many many songs by various artists over the last 50 or so years. Some examples include: Buddy Holly's: Not fade away, Johnny Otis's Willie and the hand jive, and George Thorogood's: Who do you love?

Here is Bo playing a custom guitar against his famed syncopated rhythm:



So put on your favorite version of Willie and the Hand Jive (there are some great ones- Johnny Otis, Eric Clapton, The Greatful Dead, The Clash, Taj Mahal to name a few) turn it up way loud, hoist your glasses, and have one to the memory of a legend.